Mr. Skeptic - Sanford M. Manley

This non-competing entry is a sophisticated and interesting gurn, reflecting all the careful research and training of your host. Note the plastic-like stretching of the lower face designed to indicate extreme displeasure without going completely into rage or anger. Note the multiple chin folds which serve to accentuate the emotion and the gently flaring nostrils which create a sense of action. The finesse is the lower lip which is filled with emotional and muscular tension! A gurn for the ages!

The Alfred Hitchcock Memorial Gurn - Daryl

This is an earthshattering gurn guaranteed to make little children have nightmares, turn milk to cheese, and send skidrow drunks weaving off to the nearest twelve step meeting. It reeks of raw sexuality with the suggestive bullet-like head, the protruding lips and the ample chin cleavage. The turned eye and raised eyebrow leads the viewer to question reality itself. It is virtually three-dimensional due to the camera angle and the nose and lips leave the viewer staggering back. This gurn leads to questions: an escaped mental patient? an alien abductee? a supporter of Jesse Helms?
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

The Fall of the Flesh Snowflake Gurn - Stavros

This technologically aided gurn shows considerable imagination and an amazing facial flesh wave arcing back from his mouth as he is attacked by 120 mph winds. It shows excellent use of his handsome hairless dome. Having said that, this is a gurn that has missed its potential. The subject faces away from the camera and misses opportunities for bugging eyes, distended nostrils, and a gaping mouth full of screaming teeth. If the eye protection had been removed, we might have enjoyed the possible escape of his eyeballs from their orbits; the further they migrated up his forehead, the higher the rating could have been. A fine effort. Perhaps we might see underwater gurns...flaming gurns...
 
Rating: 6 of 10 points.

The Nattering Nabob of Normalcy - NeoLazarus

This, my friends is an example of the wrong technique for gurning. A gurn is meant to amaze, disgust, or alarm the viewer. This submission does not engender any strong emotion whatsoever, because this tame picture is really something you send to a girlfriend's mother that says "I am harmless." The shame is greater because the entrant has so much to work with. Prominent nostrils could easily be stretched into caverns of fear, while the beard could be turned into a gurning jungle of despair.
 
Rating: 4 of 10 points.

The Harpy Within - Kitty

Because I am acquainted with this woman, because I know that she is a normal, pleasant being, because I know that at this moment whomever views this picture has probably emptied their bowels in abject fear, I must assert that this woman is an actress and does not look like this. Nobody looks like this, except in nightmares recounted at the psychiatrist's office. She has tapped into thousands of years of mythos to drag the Harpy back in such a convincing fashion that Joseph Campbell would immediately reach orgasm. The Harpies were most famous when they tormented a king named Phineus who had incurred the wrath of a god. They swooped down at his table and snatched his food before he could eat it; they defecated in his plate. Poor Phineus nearly starved to death before the hero Jason and his Argonauts rescued him. This is the origin of the phrase: "Eat shit and die." Here, Kitty has managed to recreate this legendary ordeal and my doctor assures me that my testicles will once again descend from my abdomen of their own accord.
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

The Buddy Hackett Memorial Gurn

In a message, Neolazarus, who submitted the weak-ass gurn above, commented that my first submission "looked like I was having trouble getting a condom on" rather than anything really striking. In response, I submit this gurn that started the whole gurn contest. I have been holding it in reserve. This is probably what it looks like when I have successfully filled the condom.
 
Rating: Not Rated

International Gurn of Mystery - Luke C.

This being an important international competition, we must have important international competitors. Luke is one of these people. He has submitted two fine interpretive gurns. Note that each picture is skewed at an angle. Forty years ago, this was on the cutting edge of art. Now this is as mundane as a plastic steak knife, and just as dull. I understand that the first picture was snapped in none other than Krakow, Poland. This fine gurn shows what happens when one has eaten too many pierogies and is suddenly seized with an urge to defacate. The second gurn is from Bejing, China. Here Luke has undoubtedly been asked by his hosts about Jerry Lewis. The resemblence to a young Jerry Lewis as a hobo is striking, merely lacking a proper string of drool to complete the impression. Luke gets extra points for the beard which continually leads one to ask "did he mean to grow it that way or has he just forgotten to shave?"
 
Rating: 7 of 10 points.

The Deer in the Headlights - Daryl

Though not as spectacular and frightening as his previous entry, this gurn reveals an elemental part of modern society: the Deer Caught in the Headlights. This expression is normally encountered during times of great puzzlement, stress and surprise when a person confronts an experience that is not just horrific and unexpected, but outside the realm of possibility...at least until now. For example, a military convoy shows up at your door to take you into custody because your adolescent child has somehow overthrown the government of a minor South American country; you discover you are growing an additional set of genitals...under your arm; or your wife announces she is divorcing you and has taken a liger as her new mate. Don't worry! The nice people will be around rather shortly to make sure you are adequately medicated and restrained.
 
Rating: 7 of 10 points.

Its the Music - Bonfils

Dedicated as he is to his instrumental music, he does not even take the time to make eye contact with the camera. I am told that Danes are like emotional ketchup bottles: either you cannot get anything out of them or it all comes out at once. Therefore, this probably depicts the quiet phase of his life. Perhaps he will submit another entry when he erupts.
 
Rating: 4 of 10 points.

BB the Hellbird Attacks - Bryant

Bryant, also known as "BB" lives up to his name by emerging bright, shiny, and intact no matter how many times he passes through the world's cruel digestive tract. He is the author of the strange and compelling Book of BB, a journey into the heart of spiritual darkness and a warning regarding eating too many spicy foods. Here, we encounter his alternate personality, the Hellbird, as he recklessly attacks. His species has a amazing drive to taste everything it encounters. The first frame shows the primary warning display, followed by an action shot as the Hellbird moves in to strike with his razor sharp teeth. The third frame reveals that the photographer tasted very bad. This is probably a good thing since had the photographer tasted good, we would have never seen the photographs or the photographer again.
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

Yet Another Species Participates - Gracie

Let no person say we are unfair. Nowhere in the rules did it specify that entrants have to be human. Here we see an engaging gurn from Gracie who has a curious habit of rotating her ears, turning up her eyes and curling her tongue. At first, her owners supposed she was possessed by an evil spirit or perhaps she was having some sort of seizure. No such luck, she was gurning amd immediately demanded entry into this important world-wide contest. If you see a dog make this face in person, prepare to be deprived of a chunk or two of flesh.
 
Rating: 5 of 10 points.

Spawn of the Hellbird - Annathea

As strange as it may seem, all the forces of nature failed to prevent the dangerous Hellbird (above) from reproducing. In normal circumstances, Annathea, might be mistaken for a normal, perhaps even exceptional young woman; however when confronted by the Hellbird himself, she exhibits all of her defensive powers. The first picture shows her disapproval aura in action. The flaring of her nostrils shows that something stinks. Undoubtedly the remains of carrion or even onions still emanate from the Hellbird. The second frame indicates that the Hellbird, as all birds do, has regurgitated a morsel for her; not being the latest special fast-food product, Annathea indicates rejection once again. In the third frame, we must only conclude that the Hellbird has flown, leaving Annathea without a meal. Even among Hellbirds, it is said that beggars cannot be choosers. In the interest of justice, and for the protection of the male members of our species, I include a shot of Annathea as she normally appears, so that one might know that she is attractive enough to lure unwitting victims to their doom, as all Hellbirds do.
 
Rating: 7 of 10 points.

The Giant Fantastic Head Rush That Died - Braum

I knew it would finally happen. I knew that sooner or later the contest would attract a stranger* and there are none much stranger than Braum. Apparently, Braum has been doing medical research because taking one look at him lets you know he has gotten the really good stuff that the mad scientists usually keep for themselves. He has retreated far away to the happy place in his head where the 60 cycle hum makes everything OK and tells him all the secrets of the universe. Acid reflux looks like this, too! In the third picture we learn the sad news that the substance that he consumed does not last forever. Braum waves bye-bye to the magical mystery tour and immediately demands more...more....MORE.
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

The Wild Northeastern Beardsucker - Weasel Tracks

Here we see the amazing summer presentation of the Wild Northeastern Beardsucker. Notice the piercing hypnotic eyes and the colorful plumage which it uses to lure its mates. This species wanders North America in a seeingly random pattern collecting juices in its beard, then in the winter months it retreats to its winter lair where it hibernates, drawing sustainance from its beard by sucking on it. It is further rumored that this creature also grows mushrooms in its beard and has been seen wearing a beret which it uses to lure beatnik chicks.
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

A German Philosophy and Psychology Student - Marc

Marc sent this to me from Nuremburg, Germany saying "this is what Germans students look like." Now we know why there was an amazing exodus of German professors in the 1930's and it reveals the real reasons behind the quest for Lebensraum in the 1940s: they were just trying to get as far away from their children as possible. This person also closed their entry with a signature:

"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face -- forever."- George Orwell

Now we know what that face looks like afterwards.
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

Ate Some Bad Spinach Dude! - Leebert

Sweetpea, the bastard child of Olive Oyl and the wayward sailor Popeye has finally emerged. He broke into his old man's stash of Jamaican Spinach and got some of the bad stuff they laced with roach spray. He then called CNN and started to scream something about gene splicing and how he really was part Bluto (Brutus). I couldn't get close enough to find out any more. He kept yelling "Well, blow me down, like blow me down, mon!
 
Rating: 7 of 10 points.

All Hail the Master - Wilson

This student of the Hypnotoad has learned his trade well! Look carefully...carefully into Wilson's eyes...notice how they stare...how penetrating they are...how they are looking right through you. The lovechild of Vincent Price is calling to you, You, YOU...you will obey...you will submit...you feel so warm...you feel so warm and comfy ...there...you know where...yeah...right in that good place...feel the tingle...its so good and you are so sleepy..sleepy..you feel the pressure building...it just keeps feeling better and better...your heart starts to race...oh yeah...oh yeah...here it comes...here it comes...the rating!!!
 
Rating: 7 of 10 points.

Have You Seen My Baby? - Pete W.

It is hard to minimize the horror and sadness people feel when children become lost. A parent will search hopelessly for years trying to locate their child. Fortunately, because of the internet, we are able to provide some relief to Mrs. Kewpie who lost her child at a carnival many years ago when he was mistaken for a prize and spirited away by a band of drunken journalists. They had his portrait printed on the side of beer cans throughout the country, but to no avail. Pete grew up covered in printers ink, lived on a steady diet of pizza and beer, and even learned to set type with his feet. Now he has been found and we rejoice! Now Pete can immerse himself in his incredible heritage and pay the thousands of dollars spent on private investigators trying to find him!  
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

Mister, Can You Spare A Buck? - Dale Tilson

The last time I saw someone like this, he had a cardboard sign in his hand that said, "Homeless, Hungry, Please Help, God Bless!" I swerved the car sharply to the shoulder, clipping the man in his knee, assuring that he would have at least a few nights in a nice clean hospital and perhaps a social security disability check. Having said that, this man is clearly a faker. First, he has a nearly complete set of teeth. Truly effective panhandlers have three to five brown and black stubs surrounded by a red mass of bleeding flesh which can only be called gums because of the approximate location in the mouth. Further, the hair and beard have been trimmed and one cannot ascertain the menu of his last three meals by picking through his facial hair. The skin is a dead giveaway since a true begger has a reddish leather coating earned with months of malnutrition and exposure. No this is the one of the new class of "social guilt removal specialists" who provide a vital special service in Republican neighborhoods by fulfilling the role of mendicant without truly being disgusting. One can safely and sanely provide a gratuity for this man without the fear of contracting a disease or becoming the receipient of a paranoid rant. There is nothing like the healthy glow one feels by giving to the less fortunate, especially when one knows that the money will likely go for the next wash and wax for the unfortunate soul's Volvo. After all, we cannot tolerate a bunch of dirty cars in the neighborhood.
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

Car Accident Victims of the Caribbean - NeoLazurus

These two images actually flipped my stomach because of a rather arcane association. Taken by itself, the first gurn is highly suggestive of one of Johnny Depp's crewmates: living, breathing, sweating, under the decks of a filthy sailing ship, rubbing shoulders, legs, knees and other less mentionable body parts with other "mates." Think of spending a month in a locked elevator with twenty street people armed with sharp weapons and it approximates the impression. The second image sent me over the top.

It seems that Mexican newspapers have no particular problem taking high resolution color pictures of car accident victims and splashing them across the front page. Further, the newspaper photographers seem to arrive well in advance of the rescue squad, so they have unrestricted access to the victims. I once saw such a picture of some unfortunate soul who had been the victim of a high speed accident. He had miraculously been crushed against the rear window of the vehicle without breaking it. Now imagine one of the pirates I mentioned previously, released from their elevator after a month, reeking of blood, sweat, shit, urine, and semen, immediately bundled into a cheap Mexican car which then has a head-on collision with a bus, flinging the filthy pirate backwards and crushing him against the intact rear window. Now, imagine that you had a napkin before you blew your last meal in your lap.

Ever Seen one of Those Fellows.. - Bear

Have you ever seen one of those fellows who just seems a little too intense? Perhaps he had too many cups of coffee this morning or maybe the CIA has been dropping chemicals into his beer? This is that guy. When he walks into a room, paint peels from the walls and houseplants die. Cats turn into balls of fuzz and skeedaddle. Dogs whine pitifully and hide behind furniture. His boss just cannot seem to say anything bad about him, in fact, if he doesn't show up for work, the boss sends him his check anyway. After all, if he didn't show, it must be for a good reason...right? right?
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

Eat More Fiber, Dude! - Kender

Haven't we all had those times when we have not eaten properly? Perhaps we ate that pound of cheese from the back of the fridge or perhaps we ate a whole jar of dry roasted peanuts which turned into a single mass and decided to become an internal buttplug?* This is what it looks like. When we were young and thoughtless, we ate anything and as much as we wanted and we seemed somehow to survive, but as we grow older, we learn there is a price to pay for folly. I could tell you about the time I ate a pound package of plaster of paris, hoping to shit a brick, but that is another story.

*(This really happened to me and boy was *I* sorry...they look at you real funny in the Emergency Room when you tell them about it... then they draw straws to see who is going to help you manually remove the obstruction *or* they send you home with some suppository and you not only beg for mercy, you promise to hunt down and assassinate Mr. Peanut.)
 
Rating: 8 of 10 points.

Better Late Than Never - Bob Beer

I got an email from this gentleman, Bob Beer telling me how excited he was about the contest. He is almost three months past the deadline, but there is just something so compelling about him and his photographs and he did go to a lot of effort...so here he is. Perhaps Shakespere was wrong, maybe there is something to a name...
 
Rating: Not rated