Winner of the Previous Contest! (An Example Entry From the Previous Contest)

The Alfred Hitchcock Memorial Gurn - Daryl

This is an earthshattering gurn guaranteed to make little children have nightmares, turn milk to cheese, and send skidrow drunks weaving off to the nearest twelve step meeting. It reeks of raw sexuality with the suggestive bullet-like head, the protruding lips and the ample chin cleavage. The turned eye and raised eyebrow leads the viewer to question reality itself. It is virtually three-dimensional due to the camera angle and the nose and lips leave the viewer staggering back. This gurn leads to questions: an escaped mental patient? an alien abductee? a supporter of Jesse Helms?

Our buddy Daryl has agreed to judge this newest contest and determine who will win the Gift Certificate from amazon.com. He lives far, far away in the frozen wastes of Canada, so he is immune from petty plots to curry favor and influence his judging.  

The New York Nose Meditation - Ben

This is what happens when meditation gets out of control. Ben, our well-meaning practitioner, was told to "follow his breath." Here, we see him watching to see his breath emerge from his nose. Of course, given time, Ben will be afflicted with horribly distended cheeks and permanently crossed eyes, just as his mother warned him. He will achieve total enlightenment when he gets the bill from his plastic surgeon.
 

The Face of Acid Reflux - Don

Yes folks...this is the face of acid reflux: that unfortunate condition where the stomach acid, bile, and undigested contents of your stomach force their way into your esophagus and burn the crap out of it. Once in a while...well that is heartburn, but constant repeats of this event lead to a diagnosis of gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD). This was almost unknown years ago until someone sued the living hell out of the antacid industry and they were forced to provide money for a wide-ranging advertising campaign advising that popping those chalky little lozenges would not protect you. People also make this face after eating hot peppers and they discover that it burns as much going out as going in.
 

Oooh...ooooh that Smell! - William

William is one of those people that makes this contest "international" as he is submitting his entry from far, far away in New Zealand. Our buddy works as a building inspector there and here we see him in action. Remember that hamster that disappeared when you were six years old or perhaps grandma went missing one fine day and was never found? Well, William finds all these wonderful hidden goodies in crawlspaces, gaps in walls, air conditioning ducts, and other concealed places. The delightful fragrances of mold, mildew, and mummified creatures of all sizes and shapes await him like buried treasure. In new buildings, there is the Builder's Giant Turd Conspiracy. As soon as the bathroom fixtures are installed, one of the crew delightfully deposits an unimaginally large gift for the new inhabitants. Then, they can demonstrate the amazing power of low-flow toilets to baptize the washroon floor with every water-saving flush.
 

The Ghost in the Machine - NeoLazurus

Here we have a rare repeat performance from NeoLazurus.("Laz" to his "friends") This poor soul actually works copying documents for legal firms, laboring day and night at the behest of his litigating overlords, growing more and more tired every day as he shovels blizzards of paperwork into the hungry maw of a impersonal electronic scanner. It is the modern equivalent of the dark, steamy bowels of a steamship. There, poor coal dust covered men fed the hungry boilers in their never-ending demand for coal. Meanwhile, the oblivious passengers flitted about joyfully, eating the finest meals, banging Kate Winslet, and engaging in nothing more troubling than deciding what fork they should use for the massive piece of beef that could feed dozens of the sweaty Irish trapped in steerage. In some hope for an escape, (and lacking the funds for even the most rudimentary of digital cameras) he smashed his face once more into the scanner for this contest and became hopelessly trapped inside. This lifelike image was recovered from the memory of that machine and posted here. If you tap on the glass of your screen, perhaps you can find some sign of life from our missing friend. It has been said that he tries to communicate.
 

Open Wide and Say "Ahhhhh" - Wilson

Here we see our friend Wilson making himself perfectly vulnerable to some half-assed prank. If you were walking by, you could toss peanuts, popcorn, bellybutton lint, or whatever you pleased into the gaping maw and he would be perfectly unable to see it coming. Of course, he would probably swallow in an almost involuntary manner if you got it back far enough into his mouth. If you hurry, you can probably get a dog turd off the lawn before he snaps out of it.
 

Talk to The Animals - Kitty

Some people REALLY like animals. We all talk to our dogs and cats, birds and hamsters, or the occasional ferret in our daily lives. This is considered normal. Kitty is shown here trying to talk to her pet fish and what is more, she is attempting to talk to the fish in its own special language. Of course, what she doesn't know is that she is making a serious pass at our aquatic friend, promising to lay her eggs and allow him to fertilize them. Further, the fish is now seriously aroused and will attempt to sneak into her bed at the earliest opportunity. Should he survive the attempt, she might find herself on the receiving end of a breach of promise lawsuit or if the worst happens we may find out where mermaids and mermen really come from.
 

The Generation Gap (Part One) - Heidi              The WINNER!    

Heidi, this lovely young lady, has all the normal difficulties understanding her father, Tom (below). There are times that our parents just don't understand us. At those special times we resort to non-verbal communication. Some girls slam doors, stomp around, scream or even throw things. Our friend Heidi loosed this powerful gurn which is eloquent on so many levels, but essentially she is saying, "Dad, you make me crazy!" Years from now, when she has become a world celebrity, the tabloids will pick up this picture and then she will be REALLY famous.

The winner speaks: I am so entirely honored by your bestowing this upon me that my face has stuck in a similar form to which I won with! Finally I gain notoriety and praise for the hideousness I am able to contort myself into! I'm 20, from New England in the good ol' US of A. I look forward to spending my gift certificate wisely on books that will keep my face mostly intact.
 

The Generation Gap (Part Two) - Tom

Tom is usually a normal, unremarkable man you would never suspect has a few wheels loose in his head, but then again you might not have seen his daughter, Heidi (above). Its tough to be a parent expecially when they talk you into entering contests on the internet where you make yourself look very, very silly. On the other hand, it is very encouraging that they chose to enter the contest together. The family that gurns is the family that is proud, fearless, and unafraid to face all the people from the neighborhood when they discover their performance here. In our mobile society, you can always put down roots where they do not have the internet...somewhere like...like...Antarctica. Wait, I bet they have internet in Antarctica. You will laugh about it one day, I assure you. I had a disclaimer handy somewhere...
 

News Channel Addiction - Hermpie

This is the face of News Channel Addiction. Note the amazing similarity to the face of someone in a Chronic Vegetative State. There are so many 24 hour news channels available now on cable and from satellite broadcasts that a person can now watch continuously and never see the same footage twice. Even when there is no new news to report, the networks can drag some PhD from a college, a former government official, or even one of their own staff in front of the camera to babble on endlessly. When facts are lacking, baseless speculation always suffices to fill the critical minutes until the footage from the Pocatello, Idaho Potato Festival comes in: "Look Jerry, the Potato Queen is arriving in her Spudmobile. Isn't she a-peeling?" ..."Why yes, Jane, but you know I only have eyes for you!" Such banter in totalitarian countries used to result in immediate execution, but now this is considered cute and familiar for the viewers. If all else fails, they always have some horrible medical story such as the bulletin that Viagra can now cause blindness due to swelling of the optic nerve (there were already numerous reports of altered vision). This is really a benefit because a blind man with a huge erection can score far more easily: he doesn't have to hunt up a paper bag for the the more fetching prospects.
 

Better Late Than Never?- Hai Dang

There is always a late entry. Hai Dang, from the city/state of Singapore is one such entry and I allowed him to sneak in since I had not yet submitted entries for judging. When he was told that I had been running the contest for weeks, he countered that he had just found the site, even if I had been running the contest for six years! Such cheekiness deserves to be punished and therefore I published this entry. Further, it adds credibility to the notion that this is indeed an international contest. This is a face that would make a proctologist swoon with delight if the lips were properly located between the right set of cheeks.
 

Thus Ends Another Installment...

Thus ends The Second (Almost Annual) Worldwide Gurning Contest. Despite efforts to attract more entries with modest postings to Usenet newsgroups and strategic mentions in some more popular blogs, I failed to attract the fifty entries I had hoped for. Out of the many millions that have internet access and the thousands who visited this site, only a very few had the guts and gumption to go for the glory. The winner of the previous contest, Daryl, actually received an offer from Spike TV to use his image on their network, but alas, the license agreement was so broad that they could have plastered his image everywhere for no real money. Over the course of the contests, I have spent many hours writing the commentary (which makes this particular contest unique) and have shelled out a modest, but significant sum for hosting and prizes. I would be most happy to receive your ideas for how the contest should be conducted, how it should be publicized, and will entertain offers for sponsorship. This is an entertaining concept that I believe deserves further development. Sanford M. Manley